Oct 27th

Grammar Jokes

By Jane Doe
Q: What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi?
A: There, Their, They're

Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: How does an English teacher punish a valley girl?
A: Assign a 10-15 page research paper on the bastardization of the word "like"

 Q: How do you spell mousetrap?
A: C-A-T.

Q: What is Black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A newspaper

Q: "What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?"
A: "The C"

Q: "What letter of the alphabet is always waiting in order?"
A: "The Q. (queue)

Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot.

Q: Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday have in common?
A: None! None of them have "c", "o","m" or "n" in them.

Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? A: Short

Q: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
A: Rubber-band -- because it streches.

Q: When does a dialect become a language?
A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.

Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.

Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?
A: Expla-nation.

Q: Name a bus you can never enter?
A: A syllabus

Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including "y" ?
A: Unquestionablely!

Q: What is the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.)

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

If practice makes perfect, but no one is perfect then why practice?

If the pen is mightier than the sword, then why do actions speak louder than words?

If two wrongs don't make a right, then why does a double negative make a positive?

It's good to be awesome, so why is it bad to be aw"ful"?

If Horrible and Horrific are the same things, then why are terrible and terrific opposites?

Grammar Error on Facebook your argument is invalid!

Teacher: What is irony? Student: "Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe."

Don't you know the Queen's English? Why, yes, I'd heard she was.

English Professor: "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Library: A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?" "I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions." "What?" "Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do." "Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, stupid?"

Grammar walks into a Bar JOKES:

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They Drink. They Leave.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

A dangling modifier walks into a bar. After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.

A Question mark walks into a bar?

Two Quotation marks "walk into" a bar.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking a drink.

The bar was walked into by the passive voice.

The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A synoynm ambles into a pub.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to drink.

A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything.

A run on sentence walks into a bar it is thirsty.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapsed to the bar floor.

A group of homophones wok inn two a bar.

Panda A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air. "Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "I’m a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Knock Knock Knock, knock. Who’s there? To. To who? It’s to whom, you illiterate fool.

Grandma Let's eat Grandma! Let's eat, Grandma! Punctuation SAVES LIVES!

My Place: Theres' a verb and a noun in a bar. They both spot each other, and the verb smiles and goes over to the noun. "Hey," it said to the noun. "Wanna come back to my place and conjugate?" The noun said "Oh, no. I decline."

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/schooljokes/grammarjokes.html
Aug 7th

Three Apple Engineers and Three Microsoft Engineers

By Zorge Sharav
Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Microsoft engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.
They all board the train. The Microsoft engineers take their respective seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the rest room door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Microsoft engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Microsoft engineers decide to copy the Apple engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Microsoft engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer. When they board the train the three Microsoft engineers cram into a rest room and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his rest room and walks over to the rest room where the Microsoft employees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."